Monday, 28 July 2008

Our reality

If I had a pound for every time I heard someone say ‘if he were my son I would give him a good spanking’ or ‘if he were mine I wouldn’t take him out in public’ etc etc - I would be a rich woman. Not one day has gone by when I have taken C out that I do not hear at least one derogatory hurtful remark about my beautiful son. So sadly I think Michael Savages’ recent thoughtless comments on autism represents a proportion of societies views about our children.

Wasnt C cute!
And here's C when happy now;
video
When i see C this happy my heart sings. But others find this large display of pure joy disturbing embarrassing and even frightening. We have emptied countless cafes, shops, or even been asked to leave.

When C was diagnosed all those years ago many friends disappeared as they didn't know what to say or how to relate to C. Some didn't want their child 'catching' autism. Our world shrank as people kept away. Only recently C and i met up with someone we had known many years ago. We had a coffee - she went to the loo -and never came back.

You get used to living on 4 hours sleep, cleaning poo off the ceiling, trying to find something C may eat. You get over wondering what his voice would sound like if he ever spoke. And there will always be another funding battle to fight.

A new way of life emerges and becomes the norm.
Other things take priority, the superficial, artificial and materialistic things are just that, they are things.
C gives me so much more. A smile, a look, a delighted squeak. A licked clean plate (on those rare occasions). A licked clean train carriage window is more often.
Our odyssey has not been easy. There have even times been times when I thought he was going to die. All the comfort I was given by doctors, was ‘wouldn't he be better off dead’.
Society judge him, make fun of him, they film him on their mobiles. C has had dog biscuits thrown at him in the street, and once was even punched by a passer by. Some of my family are embarrassed by him, some say they are scared of him others pity me and give C no second thought.
They don’t see the beautiful being that he is, or the gifts that he shares. They don’t see that C is happy and does have a quality of life. They cant get their heads round it, or rather they don’t want to or even try.
Living with disability can be tough at times, but you get there. It is also full of much love, joy and laughter. And i wouldn't have it any other way.

It’s the prejudice I find the hardest part. The attitudes of some family and friends and some professionals whom we are supposed to trust. And the strangers in the street.

And that is on going. This is our reality. C by the very nature of his autism and challenging behaviour is isolated and in turn isolates me as his mother. This is also true of many other carers in many different situations. There are 6 million of us in the UK. 175,00 are under 18 years old. Carers save the country £87 billion a year!!! (But C and i have just put a dent in that!)

So I have been overwhelmed here in blog land that C and I have touched so many people. Especially as many of you are not parents of autistic children. Everyday there is a new comment or email spurring me on at this difficult and emotional time for both C and I.

And i have been bestowed this beautiful Arte y Pico award by Exmoorjane, Mrs C , The dotterel and Jeff Deutsch. Thank you all so much.
I would like to pass this award on to bloggers (I'm sure you all know the rules) who have also been through transitions.

First Deb who's journey when her daughter went into a group home i followed in floods of tears. And has helped me so much to know she is now settled and happy.
Honeysuckle who's was the first transition blog i found.
Cheri who is now discovering herself after her children left home.
e with her lovely blog who is about to go through a transition has reminded me that all mothers go through this.
KC's blog. The whole family deserve many awards as they support each other through a difficult time.
And Baking a wish, a blog i only recently found is filled with so much love.
And as for C settling in to his new home from home. Progress is slow, and as yet I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel.
But we are on track! :)

156 comments:

Elizabethd said...

As always, your words touched my heart. you ahve been through so much anguish, hurt and disappointment. Yet you rise above it. What a wonderful mother C has.
There is an award on my page for you.

Bad mommy said...

Casdok, I think it is hardest to love them all alone. To know that, not only do others not appreciate our children as we do, but are frightened and disgusted by them. THEIR loss, of course, but ours as well.

To so many mothers their child is their pearl of great price. The shame is that others do not understand that kind of love and joy. He is beautiful. You are, too. I look forward to light at the end of the tunnel.

Chris H said...

I think it's just how it is (people's attitudes)... and how you handle them is more telling than how they act. No matter what you think, you cannot change them... you can't go 'defending' yourself and C forever and a day, you just have to accept that they do not understand/are frightened/intimidated etc.... and move on. You have had to cope with this sort of behaviour from other people for years and it has moulded you into the person you are today.... a compassionate and loving person who is worth her weight in gold..... you grow from your experiences. While it must be very sad to feel ostricised from family etc due to C's "disability"... it is their problem not yours at the end of the day. You must carve out a life for yourself and C that is the very best you can have... and stuff anyone who is too narrow minded or ignorant or embarassed etc to be around you and C. POWER TO YOU CASDOK.... continue the fight for your son... but try not to forget you have a life too.... do you ever stop and take time for yourself? What do you do when C is not at home? I'm a nosey tart I know!

lampworkbeader said...

I've just looked at Savage's comment with disgust. I'd never heard of him before. The man is obviously an ignorant fool.
I often think of you and C and wish you well. Let us know how C copes with his new surroundings.

SB said...

I love you for saying all that. SO TRUE! But our world is so superficial, they don't dig deeper and they miss out on what our guys offer.
I encountered that treatment in my own family. I left home and never looked back.
You're a blessing and a miracle.
And I must say, I don't EVER get used to cleaning poo off the ceiling.

:)

Jen said...

I have noticed over the past few years that people are becoming more accepting of my "high functioning" autistic kids, but when I take my son out we might as well have leprosy. I've run into some wonderful people over the years, but I'd say that the isolation is almost the worst part of it. I think that you were the first person who I ever read of who had a child in a treatment centre or group home, and just being able to read your words in the mornings made a lot of my days much easier.

Thanks for the links to the other blogs- hang in there!

BenefitScroungingScum said...

What a beautiful post. Every child should be lucky enough to have a mother as wonderful as you, perhaps some of the prejudice is jealousy of the relationship you and C have. I'd like to think so anyway.
Much love to you both, BG x

MotherPie said...

You write, "A new way of life emerges and becomes the norm."

That is true of all of us, whatever challenges we face, whatever path we find ourselves on.

But the challenges you face and the isolation you feel is one reason that blogging is so good for so many. It decreases those boundaries and educates those who otherwise would not understand.

Dontcha think?

E said...

My transition seems tiny and almost frivolous compared to yours.
You are a brave strong girl. Thank God C got you and not any of those mean spirited folks for a mommy. These big changes are always hardest at first. They are front loaded with challenge and work. Make sure you are tending yourself with as much gentleness and love as you always have C. He needs a strong healthy happy mom. Stay busy. Start soem new fun thing. Now is the time to take a weaving class or whatever idea you have long had a crush on doing. You are on my heart Ms C

Kelley said...

Babe, all these years I have been talking to parents coming up behind me. talking them through the mazes of early intervention, pre school, school. Never with someone ahead of me. Never to see what I might become.

And then I found you. I am so thankful.

Love ya.

The Dotterel said...

You know, the more I read of experiences like yours the more I think that it's society - the ridiculous demands it makes on all of us to 'conform' in some way - that's at fault. And why? Just so that the economy can keep on growing! As you rightly say, there are so many more important things to do and value. And if it doesn't sound too patronising (and it isn't meant to) I think people like C are there for the rest of us to learn from.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

This message is for C:

My dearest C,
You are worth a million of those disgusting people who feel they have a right to tear you apart. Your life is priceless; you are priceless and you are loved by many. The torment you have suffered (together with your mum), has been at the hands of people who will never understand a life outside of their own and by people who simply do not care about the wonderful quality of life you enjoy. Your life in your new home will improve for you because you have had the strength to turn away from ignorance.

With love, CJ xx

lime said...

you are a gem and deserving of so much more than that little award. you open people's eyes gently, but you open them nonetheless. it might be easier to withdraw into your own shell fo self protection and yet yo uput yourself out there and reveal the things that touch your heart most deeply, both the good and the bad. peace to you, cadok. and though there still may be a long road in the transition i am glad you are seeing some cause for hope.

Bonnie D. said...

What a beautiful entry! I too can relate to the feeling of isolation, despite having friends that have kids who we get together with. I am together with my friends, but their kids are NOT together with Casey. It seems so very important to me and sad, but I don't know that it matters to him or bothers him, which is sad but a blessing too I suppose.

As for people being asses and staring, I have come up with an idea for that but my hubby thinks its obnoxious. I want to make a t-shirt for my son that says something to the effect of "I HAVE AUTISM....you can quit staring now!" I figured that a) it would put their question to rest as to what is wrong with that kid and b) make them feel rude and stupid for staring! Or just aware...

Good luck with your transitions, and congrats on your award. I love seeind C happy, reminds me of my boy.

Maddy said...

Sometimes I really think that attitudes are changing fundamentally and then we have Savage.

Best wishes

Deb said...

This made me cry. I've been fortunate with Katie, few people have ever been rude to us or her. Maybe they see the look on my face and don't dare:) Young children are the funniest with Katie, they stare. They know something is not quite right but can't put their fingers on it, even as young as a year old notice. It's amazing.

C. is lucky he had you as his mum. Someone who could see his soul.

Thank you for the award sweetie.

teeni said...

I am having trouble planning a comment because I'm worrying too much about how it will come across. So I'm just gonna go ahead and blurt it out. Just know that it is not meant to be hurtful or mean in any way, as hopefully you have come to "know" me well enough to know that that is just not my style. So what I want to say is that I'm so glad you posted that video clip of C. It disturbed me at first because it made me wonder how I would react upon seeing someone in real life making those exaggerated movements and sounds. I would hope that I would have been kind and respectful. But I must say that I would most likely have been totally surprised by it since I'm not too familiar with C's spectrum of autism and I have no children of my own. But I was glad that your description said that he was happy. So it really has made me think and try to put myself in your shoes, C's shoes - impossible by the way, and a bypasser's shoes. I could understand people being surprised, and maybe young people being mean - not that it is an acceptable reaction, but unfortunately, with kids these days, it wouldn't surprise me to see them react that way, especially after my own initial reaction. We always have a hard time accepting someone who is outwardly that much different than we are. So I'm not really sure where I'm going with this other than to thank you for sharing so much of things that mean so much to you, things that must hurt, and also things that bring you joy. Being aware and exposed to more knowledge on this subject, hopefully will make life better for everyone. Thank you, Casdok.

Flea said...

You're an inspiration, you know. I'm glad you're on track. On track means that things are progressing as planned, even if not progressing as you hoped, right? Hold on tight, Casdok. :)

WesterWitch/Headmistress said...

We live in such a judgmental society and oddly we tolerate the negative of others without a thought and allow people to gossip . . . people look at you in surprise when you tell them you do not wish to hear what they have to say . . . and yet equally people judge people who are different and don't take the time to get to know them. I know who I think is the loser - they are, but it does leave you having to put up with comments from these unenlightened people and they in turn will never know the joy that is C.

Michelle (The Beartwinsmom) said...

I would have cried at that moment when your so-called friend abandoned you at the cafe. That is just heartless.

I have the hardest time with the prejudice part, too. Luckily, our boys' school is incredibly supportive. It's our small-minded, small-town community that needs a slap upside the head to see the reality of what living with a disability is.

I don't want pity. I want compassion, friendship, and love. Isn't that want everyone wants?

HUGS to you and C. The trip is long, but I'm glad you're on the road with me.

Tanya Brown said...

Michael Savage isn't merely a shock jock - he's a hate jock. Even knowing a little about him, I was horrified at his words and horrified that he flourishes on the airwaves.

I'm sorry about the woman who disappeared into the loo, and the prejudices you and C have encountered on a daily basis. It harks back to medieval times, I think, a fearful time when people believed all sorts of nutty things: congenital deformation being the result of the devil or mating with an animal, rats being spontaneously generated by piles of rags, retardation or chronic mental illness "catching". Unfortunately, I don't think the rank and file have gotten much more intelligent or better educated since that time.

We get what we get in life, and some of us get circumstances that are permanently harsh. It is well done of you to look for the joy and beauty in the moment, and love and accept your son for who he is.

teeni said...

Thanks for leaving the comments at my site and at Annie's. I'm so glad you "got" what I was trying to say. I have nothing but admiration for your kindness and wisdom so I am glad to see I didn't offend you. :) Also, I forgot to congratulate you on your award. You truly are deserving of it because your blog is a real contribution to the blogosphere and also to real life. Love and hugs to you.

LceeL said...

When I get impatient with Zach, our Asbergers boy; when I feel any kind of frustration with what I see as shortcomings; when I start to say things that I might regret later, I look back to you for example. I am SO much better a father to my son because of you and the example you have set for me. When and if I ever get back to England, the one and only thing I want to do while I am there is see you. And buy you a pint. Or a tea. Or a fish 'n' chips. Or whatever it is that would buy you a moment of relaxation.

buffalodickdy said...

I have always admired you. Your concern over things you could control, and the things you can't control is admirable. It is time to start thinking about you. You have some things coming to you. Giving is a great thing, and I know you have never stopped giving- and probably never will, but you have to start recieving soon! You have earned that, and it would be well deserved...

Irene said...

You write with so much passion and love. I like that. It gives me goose bumps.

Sparkling Red said...

I wish my aunt could read this post. Her elder daughter (now 28) is autistic also, doesn't talk, is not able to toilet herself, and displays all her emotions wide open in public. My aunt was an angry person before her daughter was born, and remains angry as ever after all these years. I can't judge her because I haven't walked in her shoes, but I wish for the sake of her own happiness that she could see with the eyes of a softer heart, as you do.

Bobbi said...

I'm sorry that people have been so rude to you. It must be really hard. I like the video of your son happy. It's cute. Parker does a happy dance when he's happy too. What was your son happy about there? I hope you see the light at the end of the tunnell too. I think you are doing a great job with your son.

Chaoticidealism said...

Wow! He has some sense of balance! I'd fall over if I tried that!

Casdok said...

Bobbi - watching trains!

Ashton Lamont said...

Just found your blog and wanted to say a great read!

long may it continue!

(btw i'm a parent of id twin girls on the autistic spectrum...not a blog stalker!).

Milla said...

you're a little star, Casdok. I couldn't do what you do, but I'm glad that we can all give you something, however small, in continuing to smile with you and wish you and C well. xx

Deb said...

He was and IS a beautiful boy!

Dianne said...

You made me remember an incident from over 30 years ago.

My son was very dark skinned as a child - his Dad is black and I am very pale with (then) red hair and freckles. Jeffrey had a huge Afro as well - it was the 70s :)

One day we encounter a couple and their child. The child was rocking back and forth and drooling with his fist pushed all the way into his mouth. Jeff stopped dead in his tracks when he saw the little boy and I immediately said something I always said to him - "be kind"
The Mom and I exchanged a look and Jeffrey went up to the boy and said hello. The Dad tried to get the little boy to acknowledge Jeff but it made him to agitated. The Mom and I chatted for a moment and then we were ready to move on

As we left my son touched the little boy's arm very, very gently and said "don't worry about being different, you get used to it"

All the times he had been stared at, all the questions about "what" he was had made him gentle and kind but also way too old for his age.

I was so proud of him and my heart hurt at the same time.

If only everyone would come to the realization that we all have something that makes us unique - some are just more noticeable than others. If we would all take the 1 extra second that my son always takes to put ourselves in another's shoes.

You always fill my heart Casdock

kristina said...

thanks for sharing your journey --- so many steps taken, so many steps ahead.

Stimey said...

It is outrageously horrifying, some of the stories you tell here. I am so sorry. I wish people could open themselves up to what people who are outside the norm can offer.

citizen of the world said...

Ignorance is such a curse. I so hate that you and C are subjected to it with such frequency and intensity.

Cyndi said...

What a touching post..of course it made me cry! You have done such an amazing job with C and are such an inspiration to sooo many people. (I wonder if you fully realize that.) Love all the pics and he is still a cutie!

the mother of this lot said...

I know I've said this before, but I'll keep saying it - I wish I was a good a mother as you are.

Bettina said...

hugs.

Isn't it horrible that our first instinct (as people as a whole) is to fear what we don't understand.

sigh.

glad the transition is getting there. however slowly

Jayne said...

Oh yeah, I've heard those words often enough, especially from hubby's family. GRRRRR!
Great to hear C is slowly settling into his home from home, fingers crossed it stays good for him !

Baking a wish said...

I think that God finds those with good hearts to care for his children with special needs. Of course that is easy for me to write at this very moment when I am not in the midst of a meltdown with our son. But, if you really logically think about it, we have this patients for our children. We walk to the ends of the earth to educate others and find them the proper help. We have more than our share of sleepless nights. Our lives are not what most would consider to be normal.

Just keep your chin up and know that you have it in you. Your love for C is amazing and your thirst for knowledge is magnificent. I am honored to know another mom of a special fella!

J said...

You've been through a lot dear lady. But you are a wonderful mother who happens to be blessed with a great talent as evident by this blog. I hope you continue with this and will be able to reach more and more people in the future. I'm glad you are on track and wish you great strength until you get to see your light at the end of the tunnel. Take care--jml.

Marla said...

Growing up I had to deal with a lot off comments in regards to my sister. I can imagine hoe frustrating it becomes. I don't understand how many people can be so ignorant.

I too smile when I see C having such a good time. This is a beautiful post with a very important message.

Ron said...

Good Evening Dear Casdok~

Wow…there is so much I want to say about what you shared here in this post, but it would probably take up a book.

First of all, I just want to say that the photo’s you shared here of C…are absolutely beautiful! What an adorable baby picture!

Secondly, I understand just a little bit of what you’re saying here about how people react to C, only because of having a close friend who’s son is also autistic. She has shared some of these same things with me.

I’ve come to discover something very interesting about human nature.

(which I’m sure you’ve discovered also)

Human beings are fearful. Fearful of anything that’s not within the realm of their own existence. And being fearful, causes them to act inappropriate. And when I witness people behaving like this, it only goes to show me just how handicapped they truly are.

You see, THEY are the ones who are disabled, because THEY are ones who are trapped by their own fear.

And that’s the greatest disability there is….

The disability to open their eyes and LOOK.

People such as C are our greatest teachers, because if people actually LOOKED at them, they would see their own reflection…

LOVE.


Love to you and C!

Honeysuckle said...

This is such a touching post. I'm so sorry about all these horrible experiences. I think we've been lucky mostly with how people react to Biff and I tend to automatically tune out, or steer away from, anyone who's looking askance. But throwing dog biscuits at C? Punching him? What are people so fearful of that they have to attack him?

There must be a role for you now as some kind of advocate for people with disabilities. You put so well how life really is that you should be in some kind of public speaking/political arena.

Finally, thanks so much for the award! I don't think many people read the transition blog but I'm glad you found it.

Ellee Seymour said...

I think people who make such thoughtless comments would react differently if they were in your shoes. You have every right to feel proud of C and words cannot describe the admiration I feel for your selflessness.

Suburbia said...

I was going to write that I can't believe people treat you and C like that but sadly I can believe it. It is pure ignorance in all the senses of the word. C is so lucky to have such a wonderful mum. You should be (and are) proud of him.
(Glad you are on the right track)

Donetta said...

His joy is so beautiful. Character rubs off. You may find than ignorance does as well. It is Love that leaves the most lasting and significant lingering essence, a fine fragrance that overpowers everything else. Love emanates from you. It is a delightful essence.

Annie Bright said...

Hi Casdok

What a brilliant blog! I will be back regularly to read how you and C are getting on.

Thanks again for welcoming me to blogland :-)

Annie

bobbie said...

Casdok, you deserve this award, if ever anyone did. Your strength and courage are so evident as you write about your son and your life together. My heart aches when I hear of the treatment he has received from the public. Why do we find it necessary to be so cruel to one another? Compassion seems to be a foreign word for so many.
But it is plain that you have many supporters and admirers. Look at the number of comments you receive. Be strong.
Peace

Life as the mother of 4 said...

Wow, things have changed for the better. I feel so sorry that you experienced what you wrote about! I can't even imagine how I would feel if something like that happened to Will. I think that people are becoming more accepting of people with disabilities and that is due in a large part to the people who came before us and paved the way for our children. As the mother of a severely autistic nine year old I am so grateful to the parents of older children who fought for their children and as a result helped mine as well!

Angela said...

Beautifully written... You touch on so many things that we all experience with our own. Warms my heart to hear that C has such a caring Mama. All too often people only hear the bad things with 'our kids'.

Mrs. Darling said...

Are you serious? I cant believe someone would be so rude as to just leave and not say goodbye. What is wrong with people? I just get so angry when I hear this stuff.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Okay, now that I'm done weeping...
God bless you for your courage and C for his beauty and you again for your ability to show us his beauty in such an amazing way.

Suzy said...

The ignorance of some people is absolutely disgusting.

You and C have a special place in my heart and so many other's hearts.

Your lives have touched so many people.

Love to you and C always.

Suzy

TOM FOOLERY said...

Casdok, many thanks for allowing us to share some of your journey with you and for educating me on the subject of autism - I've learnt a lot. I hope you soon get to see a bright shiny light at the end of the tunnel with bells and whistles as an added extra. Take care TFX

Sarcasta-Mom said...

Angela's blog pointed me over here, and I'm so glad I stopped by. My son has Asperger's, and I work with Autistic adults as part of my job. It hurts me right down to the core that people could be so hurtful and hateful to your child. C is lucky to have a mother who is so strong, to keep standing up in the face of so much ignorance. Kudos to you, and kudos to C every day :)

TraceyTreasure said...

I thank you for your visit today. My blogging has been boring and dull compared to your heartfelt posts. I am honored to have met you and C through your blog and I must admit that I was ignorant to your trials and Autism in general before I met you. You have made me more understanding, patient and non-judgemental of those with Autism, and those who care for them. When I hear of others struggling with Autistic children, I always recommend your site to them. You have such wonderful information here about Autism and I learn something every time I visit you. I'm so sorry that your family doesn't understand how their actions and feelings make you feel. If it helps you any, I have the same family troubles. I believe that Mr. Savage will reap the benefits of Karma. It's only a matter of time! The video of C also made my heart sing. Thank you for the tears of joy today!! Big hugs and love to you both!!

TraceyTreasure said...

BTW-Congrats on the award! You should get Mother of the Year too!!
Hugs!!

mommy~dearest said...

Your eloquence and strength never cease to amaze me. I've said this before, but you really are a role model for me. I've learned so much from your writings and how you handle situations- you've really touched many people. Love to you both-

Debs said...

I'm stunned by what Michael Savages said, what a complete burke that man is.

Big hugs to you and to C, I have learnt so much from reading your blog and my world is certainly a better place having 'met' you both even if it is somewhere in cyperspace.

blogthatmama said...

You are so patient, serene and understanding - I don't know how you do it, forget supernanny you should have your own TV series to teach all of us moaning stressed mothers (ie me)how to take it all in our stride, like you!

Rosie said...

I consider myself priveleged to have had the chance to share musical experiences with my autistic students. But it took me a while to understand them. Ignorance is the root of all evil and you are doing a great job by sharing your experiences...

CrackerLilo said...

I thought of you when I heard of those comments by Savage. I wasn't going to be the one to bring them to your attention, though. It's obvious from your blog that you had plenty of your own to think about and that C's condition wasn't just brattiness. I wish all the people who think like him could read and *understand* your blog, but some people are willfully ignorant.

I learned a lot about Savage when he made hateful anti-gay comments on his short-lived TV show and I ended up writing an article about him for an LGBT paper. They were hideous enough. But at least he was taking on adults who could speak for themselves, and not children who can't speak for themselves and the tired adults who have to take care of them and fight on their behalf!

*hug*

Trish said...

Thank you for continuing to open our eyes and to speak up for humanity. I have so much to learn. You are a true encourager and I appreciate you very much.

Mrs. C said...

Oh, Casdok, C looks just like Woodjie Pumpkin in that old picture. I have so many prayers for C and his new home.

I just want to say so much and can't think how to do it. :[

MamaGeek said...

You are a WONDERFUL Mom Casdok. You are lucky to have C and he is lucky to have you.

I have twin autistic cousins so I feel this in my heart.

Michael Savage is ignorant and a very sad, sad individual.

joy said...

I love this post, you are speaking for so many of "us" mothers of children with ASD's that is. I had to write up a post about your post, I hope that's ok.

A Bishops Wife said...

The "savage" has issues...he needs theropy. He sounds like one of my sisters. It is frustrating.

I have felt these same feelings. I feel bad being left out and avoided by others and those who stare in stores and make stupid comments. I feel bad not being able to take him to certain events but I love him.

C is so lucky to have you.

Osh said...

what a moving and heartfelt post...thank you. Like you, my son is older and I so wish I had the support of the blogging community "all those years ago"...but now that I have found it, my life is so much better for it.
You and C will be in my thoughts and prayers from now on.
Thank you for visiting my blog today.
Hugs

(Very) Lost in France said...

Casdok, I wish that idiot Savage would just read your blog. You have touched my heart. How lucky C is to have you for his mother. VLiF

alan said...

I had hoped that someone so "savage" would be driven from the airwaves after his hatespeak; all of the petitions and phone calls seem to have little effect.
He lost a TV show for similar diatribe...

I am glad you and C are finding your way forward at this point; it would be so hard not to be there! My sons are grown, gone and married and still I worry constantly!

Thinking of you both...

alan

Laura said...

*sniff* wow. What a touching post. Thanks to you and the others for blazing the trail and recording it for others to follow.

Joker The Lurcher said...

i so relate to this - i got so sick of people saying 'can't you control that child?" one supermarket checkout woman said "you should put that child on ritalin!" to which the only response, if i could have thought of it was "i didn't know that they were employing psychiatrists on the checkouts now!" but of course i just went away and cried. hugs to you and to C.

Stacey said...

I would like to thank you for your visit to my blog ;-D

You have an amazing blog that filled me with so many emmotions, as I am sure that everyone who visits you feels the same, I also have two children both who have mixed neurological conditions, one of them being Autism, so I can relate to your heart felt words.

As for Mr Savage....hmmmm you read my post so I think you know my feelings on the matter ;-)

On my blog I am not sure if you read one of my poems called "His special world", If not and you have a few moments to spare have a read, as I know your relate to it. :-D

KAREN said...

My friend's just had some t-shirts printed up for her daughter for when they go on holiday with 'I'm not naughty, I'm autistic' on them, because she's so fed-up of people coming up and accusing her of not knowing how to control her child. Shocking that they can be so rude.

Trixie said...

You will find the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm sure! You are so strong.

okasaneko said...

Dear friend,

For a very long time, I felt very isolated too, submerged in my son's autism and his life, separated from the rest of the world who refused to see my son for all the joys and wonder he is. Your blog has made me see a richer world, a friendlier one, and you have enriched my life with your perspectives on life with autism.
While reality may still be harsh and cruel, that you and many kind people who visit your site pave the way for change emboldens me to continue to work for acceptance and tolerance. By our love, someday (I pray very soon), our children will have their rightful place in the sun.

I have a little something for you here at http://okasaneko.wordpress.com/2008/07/25/no-words-spoken/. I know you deserve so much more, for all the kindness you have shown me and for the friendship made from words (heartfelt and sincere, nonethless). God bless you and C always.

Sarah said...

Tracey told me to give you a read; I am the mother of 9 year old autistic daughter and 4 year old autistic son. I understand to well those "looks" and "relief" that autism doesn't effect their family....

What is lost in all of this is that these wonderful children and young adults are aware in their own way that they are different. That is the most heart breaking realization of all.

I will be back...thank you for being so honest.

Preposterous Ponderings said...

I think his happy video is so AWESOME!

little wanderer said...

why have I got tears in my eyes, it is because you are an amazing mum with a truely beautiful son x

whimsical brainpan said...

It breaks my heart that people are still so cruel. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.

Congrats on the much deserved award!

Carrie Wehmeyer said...

Wow, my son is ten and I can't imagine transition, but it scares me. Thank you for your wonderful posts sharing your life with C. I love the clip of his joy. We don't see that often enough...

Shrinky said...

I can't add anything to what has already been voiced. You are a gifted writer, and have searingly expressed the realities which so many of us need to cope with when we have a child who lives with autism. (I always say Sam "lives" with autism, because he is not simply an "autistic" child - autism is a huge part of who he is, but that is far from the sum total what goes together to make up the wonderful, amazing person that he is.)

Jen said...

I tagged you with a meme Casdok at http://chaosandjoy.blogspot.com/2008/07/bit-of-change.html :-) You always give such great answers, and it might be a distraction for you for a few minutes!

Lots of love, Jen

Working mum said...

Shocked, sickened and saddened.

What a remarkable woman you are to deal with this ignorance with such grace. You are a wonderful mother with a much loved child. You and your son should not be treated any differently from any other such mother and child.

Poison Girl said...

What a profound post! I am so saddened to hear that people can still be so ignorant about people with autism. Hang in there girl, and give that "C" a kiss from the US!

Poison Girl said...

What a profound post! I am so saddened to hear that people can still be so ignorant about people with autism. Hang in there girl, and give that "C" a kiss from the US!

Seen This Scene That said...

I cannot find the words to respond to your post. how tough life must be for you and C, yet you have managed to come so far...I hope that by adding this post, I can show my support for you. take care!

QUASAR9 said...

Hi Mother of Shrek,
been a little busy with building work at the villa (and little or no time for the internet or blogging in July)

A sort of working holiday - lol!

But I hope to have time to catch up and keep abreast of my favourite blogs in August.

Good to see you are still going strong

dawn said...

Girl, sorry I haven't been around, it has been a crazy summer anyhoo after reading your first paragraph I would say F**K Them . People are such shits sometimes, I know that translates in England too. I'm glad C is settling in and I hope that your doing okay I know it's just as big a step for you. I have to go but will be around more. Hugs and kisses

Bonnie said...

Thank God Mr. Savage is gone! As long as we keep talking maybe the world will become kinder to our kids.

Keep walking through that tunnel, the light will come, it will come!

Kahless said...

I am glad you blog to put the record straight. To share your life so put straight peoples ignorance.

Alas, it continues to be a real challenge.

Melinda said...

so very well said....

CrackerLilo said...

You've got an award when you have time to come pick it up!

vivavavoom said...

Michael Savage is an asshole and his listeners are assholes too. he has continued to prey upon any and all people who are different and say the most uneducated, uninsightful, hurtful things. why he still has a job I have no clue.

Angela said...

Yes I would have to say the people the closest hurt the most when they don't show understanding or even just try.

MarmiteToasty said...

Fank you for being there for C in every footstep in his life.... you walked with him through it all where many would have got on the bus and left him behind at the bus stop.... you have given your all.... my life, as also been enriched by your presence (be it only through blobbing) in my life...... and even though your path with C will never be over...... maybe its time now for a little bit of YOU.... you deserve the world.....

x

Julie said...

Hi, there! Thanks for the comment on my blog- that's how I found you. Awesome post....
best wishes,
Julie

Dave Coulter said...

If I'm to be honest, I'd have to admit that my behavior hasn't always been as compassionate as I'd have liked it to be. You can be sure your writings will help to change me for the better.

Joeymom said...

Glad C is getting settled. I do wish we knew him. ***Hugs*** for you and happy times ahead!

Elizabeth Channel said...

Thank you so much for taking time to look at my blog. Yours is such an inspiration, I don't know where to begin, except to thank you. I will keep reading!

Elizabeth Channel

Melissa said...

It is great to see an update from you. I'm glad C's adjustment is moving forward and you're on track - even if it may be a long track.

DJ Kirkby said...

This post was filled with beautiful inisghtful words. Glad to hear progress is being made with C at his new home.

Lane said...

87 billion! That's incredible.

I hope C is settling in. 'On track' hopefully will lead to light at the end of the tunnel. Love to you both.

I know you're inundated with them but there's an award at mine for you. Much deserved:-)

Niksmom said...

Casdok, this is a beautiful, wise, loving post. We are so blessed to have you sharing your life with C with us. Sending you hugs and blessings today and always.

Akelamalu said...

Thankyou for your comment on Sophie's birthday memory, I really appreciate it.

I remember the stares and looks of disgust only too well when out with Reece and Sophie (my eldest grandchildren). They had a genetic disorder so rare there wasn't even a name for it. They were only 5 and 3 when they died, within 3 weeks of each other, but they taught us so much about unconditional love, something the whole world would benefit from experiencing. You have a right to be proud of your lovely son, forget what anyone else thinks, though I know it hurts sometimes. xx

motherx said...

Yes I understand. We have this on a daily basis aswell. I have lost count of the times we have cleared a Macdonalds or cafe. Also I find it very hurtful when young kids laugh at the noises W makes or try to mimmick him. Its sounds silly to say but it really ruins my whole day. I hope C keeps on the right track with his new home. Sounds like he is doing well. x

Get Off My Lawn! said...

In the end, one's child is one's child. You have devoted this blog to him, maybe we all need to do that for our own children. Congratulations on the dent. C is lucky to have you and you are lucky to have C.

Anne Brooke said...

Glad the settling in is happening, even if slow. Sending love & hugs to you

A
xxxxxxxxxxxxx

kristi said...

I think people are afraid of differences. My world has shrunk tremendously since my son's diagnosis. At first it hurt, now I find a peace with it. I talk about Autism, I WANT people to be aware and I don't care if it makes them uncomfortable.

Our kids help us to find that inner strength and use it everyday. They teach us how to love with no boundaries. What a gift they give us!

LAA and Family said...

"A new way of life emerges and becomes the norm." Isn't that the truth!? It's something we all face, just in much greater degrees with an autistic child.

I am so glad to hear that you take C out in public and "go on" with your lives. I try to do the same with my son. I have in-home help for him and sometimes they stay at home when I have errands to run, but more often than not I try to bring EVERYONE (and my NT kids are just as difficult these days!) along because that is our reality.

My autistic son is 9, so we are still at the beginning stages of him being noticeably different than his "peers" in public. I've had to get used to lots of astonished stares, but we haven't experienced much more than that yet. I know there's more to come!

You are a terrific Mum!

laughingwolf said...

grats on the award, cas... and for your showing the world what good parenting is all about... kudos!

Mom to JBG said...

i always appreciate unusual displays of happiness..hopping, squeaking, shaking or whatever!

Hope things are going well with your transition.

Dad Stuff said...

Once again, wonderful post. I can feel the love you have for C every time you write.
I know that C feels it too.
Good Luck to C as he get's used to his new surroundings.

Sustenance Scout said...

Ack, this breaks my heart. I'm here via AutismVox, though I've seen your comments in many places! So glad I finally came by to visit. Hugs from Denver, Karen

captain corky said...

People can be so shitty. A lot of times it feels like it would be so much easier just to give up on them.

Wendy said...

I am so happy that you will be getting to see C this weekend. It does touch our hearts and makes us feel like us again. Enjoy your little fella! Hug him as tight as you can and those hugs seem to help get us through a dreadful time without them. Blessings!

Pavel said...

You and C are very special to a lot of people and I appreciate your thoughtful words, sharing your journey, knowing that I am not alone.

My big boy (with autism) was in a musical these last two weekends and though he did very well, it broke my heart that he couldn't relate with the other kids in the show. He's beautiful, inside and out, but people usually only see the differences.

Good luck.

John-Michael said...

You and C have a respected and cherished Place of permanent Care and Admiration in my Heart.

Lovingly ...

CAMILLA said...

The person who made those remarks are totally ignorant. I cannot believe how people can be so hurtful with such rude remarks when you are out in the street, it is totally unacceptable in my eyes.

Wonderful that you will be seeing 'C' this weekend Casdok, I send you both my love and hugs.

Camilla.xx

Jade said...

I've got to be honest with you, I couldn't help but smile when I played the clip of C when he's happy. I think its so cute, and I totally understand it. It might be because I work with children with autism and with that I am not intimidated by the actions of the kids.

Many times I have tried to put myself in the shoes of the mothers of the children that I work with. Often I am mistaken for my clients mother when we go to run "community lessons" with a parent. I notice the stares, the whispers when a client is stemming or scripting and I notice myself becoming angry at people, then sad for my client, then I have to snap out of it because I have to focus and work. I commend you and all mothers like you with children who face this on a daily basis. You are amazing...

And I feel truly sorry for your family members that are embarrassed or phobic of C. In my opinion they are denying themselves a wonderful opportunity to add substance and depth into they're lives.

Sorry for such a long reply, this post just really touched me... :-) my thoughts and prayers are with you and C'man.

Tanya Savko said...

Thank you for visiting my blog, and I'm so glad to have found yours. I love the video of C; it just fills me with hope, and love for my own son, who also likes to make noises and be expressive with his movement. I'm so glad when he celebrates life like that! Thank you for sharing the video - it's beautiful, so is C, and so are you.

Hammer said...

I hear you! I lost all my friends and my family wouldn't come around because my son's behavior was so wild and off the wall. My mother brought all his things over one day and told me..he said he doesn't want to come over anymore..he was 4

Anyway, I said screw them and decided to become a fulltime caregiver. Once he was diagnosed and got medication things improved somewhat but it really taught me what is important in life.

I salute your dedication and the unconditional love you show your child.

La La said...

Very moving post. I felt so many emotions reading it!

Thanks for sharing your lives here with us.

I loved seeing both the photo and the video!

I pray for continued and steady progress for you both during this time of transition.

Frogs' mom said...

Casdok, this is such a beautiful and thoughtful post (lovely pictures of C too) - thank you.

I think you should get a pound from everyone who has or will say something cruel or thoughtless to or about C - a little behavior therapy plan for insensitive people.

Motherhood for Dummies said...

It is so amazing to see how you don't let other people bring you down. C is a beauitful wonderful child and so are you as his mother. Not to bring up Michale Savages remarks becuase I find them harsh, but I do kind of feel that too many children are being labeled as Autistic. My nephew was autistic, he couldn't speak, couldn't go to the bathroom on his own, couldn't ever really be there enough to hug us and he was wonderful!!!! I do find myself upset sometimes when moms and docs claim this and that child has autism when they might have social problems. Autism is real and people need to understand it, but I do see why people have to label children as having a case of ADD or Autism or ADHD if they are different. I feel bad for feeling this way, but I don't know why I get frusterated, but I feel Autism isn't something that should be throw around so easily... labeling so many just because they might have a different personality or so. I hope this isn't comming across like I agree with Michael Savage, but I like to hold my nephews memory special and i feel like Autism is the new thing for kids to have now, and that shouldn't be the case. Autisc children are special and wonderful and should be respected.

P.S. Sorry about that I hope it didn't come off rude and C is a beautiful wonderful boy. You are very lucky so have such a happy son.

Kit Courteney said...

I found your blog today and I've been blown away - instantly. I've read a lot of it but will be coming back to catch up many times.
I was given an award last week by a fellow blogger and I must now pass it on to those authors of blogs I particuarly enjoy.
I am awarding you :0)
If you would like to 'collect' it, you can find it on my blog.
Very best wishes to you and yours.
Kit C :0)

nefariousoutlook said...

Amazing !! simply amazing !! i am glad that C has such strong support from his mom. i am sure you have suffered a lot of anguish in the past, but one thing i would like to add is ignorance is the root cause of such behaviour. People have a lot of misconceptions. spreading the word and creating awareness will clear these erroneous thoughts and correct their mindsets. This has actually begin to happen and more and more people are supporting the endeavors to spread awareness. I hope you never have to face such anguish again in the future ever again :)

LceeL said...

Come out! Come Out! Wherever you are!

I miss you.

M. Christensen said...

What a great blog, You really write so well and it brings tears to my eyes. C is very lucky to have such a great mom. Thank you for sharing part of your life with me.

leslie said...

What could I possibly add to what has already been said? You are an inspiration to many - even to those who don't have a disabled child. I can remember many times when my daughter embarrassed me with her behaviour - this was before she was diagnosed with bipolar 2 and got on appropriate medication. She still has her moments, but thankfully, she now appears well and embarrasses me far less often now. Well, daughters DO embarrass their mothers anyway! lol God bless you as you continue this struggle to make sure your son has quality of life.

Agent M said...

You and C have touched and inspired me.

Thank you, Casdok. Thank you, C.

Love to you.

P.S. I would be honored to have coffee with you and C. If you're ever in Texas, let me know. :)

Eileen said...

C was an adorable baby and a handsome young man. Thank you for sharing those personal picture.

It makes my blood boil that people are so cruel and ignorant. Society has a very long way to go in terms of humanity and accepting the fact that differences are good, enriching our livs.

I know you have learned so much about yourself by raising your son. I know he has brought you endless joy. He has a right to be teated like the wonderful person that he is. I pray that someday this happens.

I know change is a process and I am hoping his new move keeps getting better and better. Your right, there is a light, as bright as the light C shines on your life.

XXXXXX

tulipmom said...

I will be thinking of you and C and hoping he will be happy in his new home.

You are such an inspiration.

lonestar818 said...

This is very touching, the love you have for C shines through in every word. He sounds like an amazing person, and he's very lucky to have you for his mom! I wish him the best in his new home :).

Nancie said...

Hi Casdok,

My heart goes out to you in the difficult times you have gone through. C is a very special and gifted young man in his own special ways. And you have been such a loving and wonderful mother. And your life has touched so many of us!

I thank God that He enables us to meet through blogging. I admire your love, courage and resilient. Know that you are in my thoughts and prayers and love by many of us.

Thanks for visiting me, your Friendship and encouragements. I have two awards to share with you (Share The Love Award and Friendship Award). Do come over when you have time. Take care and God bless you and C always!

With appreciation and prayers,
Nancie

Beth said...

The fear and ignorance of others causes so much hurt - and it's really no comfort knowing they have blinded themselves to sources of joy and love.
Bless you and C - your journey together has been rough but also one of such great love.

(Apologies for the late comment - I've been away.)

La La said...

Checking back in! I think of you two so often. You are such an inspiration to me.

I'm sorry for all the pain that people have caused you along your journey. Their ignorance is so very disturbing.

I wish you well, and I'm so grateful to be a witness to your lives through your blog!

A Bishops Wife said...

HI! I hope things are going well for you and your family.

Goldie said...

Thank you for visiting my blog. Wow, look at all these comments. Thank you for sharing with us and helping open our eyes. I still shake my head at how insensitive people can be. But now over 140 people will try harder to be more accepting and kind.
I enjoyed seeing the joy your son exhibited in the clip. Was it at the train tracks? No wonder he was excited!!

Mima said...

You always touch me with your words, and although I have some idea of isolation being so thoroughly stuck, my family is in the main supportive, and I don't know how I would have coped without their support, so if your family isn't all behind you then you really have had a tough road to travel, as it is those people that are around you who make the difference.

I'm sorry that you both suffer such prejudice, and it really makes me wonder if at some time in my life I have been one of those people that has stared at someone because I don't understand. I know that I wouldn't do that nowadays having gone through a bit myself now, but before I was oblivious to anything outside my little sphere of existence.

I'm glad to hear that C is starting to settle. I should imagine that this is incredibly difficult as the change must be so big for him, and difficult for him, means difficult for you. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you all the best as you both go through this.

E said...

Where are you casdok? Please hurry up and tell us how you and C are doing. Summer is no excuse. We are missing and worrying about you guys....good vibes from vermont

Prashanth Nagaraj said...

great passionate write-up...

Do drop into my blog..
http://liquidvamp.blogspot.com/

Palm Springs Savant said...

Casdok- I am so glad you are still blogging. You have no idea how good it is for others to read your point of view and have insights to this world. Well done.

Lynn Stallworth said...

You're such a wonderful mother. Thank you for imparting all your wisdom to those of us just starting our life journey with an autistic child. I have already learned first hand how isolating this diagnosis is. It saddens me how cruel people can be. I grew up with a mentally challenged little brother, so the attitudes aren't new to me, it just hurts a bit more as a mother when it's your children that are the targets.

Sooz said...

This blog brought tears to my eyes. As my son approaches going into high school in a couple of weeks, I am hoping that his transition will be smooth and that he can navigate through negativity with his self-esteem intact.

Loved the video of your son...does he enjoy trains? My son has loved them since he got his first Thomas the Tank Engine car as a young sprout :).

Thanks so much for stopping my my blog as well, I'll definitely be stopping by here again too!

Casdok said...

Oh yes C loves trains, watching them going on them and yes he still loves Thomas DVDs!

Lea White said...

Thank you so much for sharing your realities. People out there can be so cruel and even though our journey isn't nearly as challenging as yours or met with as many idiotic attitudes out there, we too have found that being in a "different" situation brought along isolation from people you thought would be there.

I wish I knew and understood more. Thank you for sharing your journey with people like me!

Lea White
http://whitesinnz.blogspot.com

Jim said...

We will ALWAYS face prejudice by the society for their ignorance of various disabilities issues.

Jim

Tera said...

I am so sorry that you have to deal with the foolish people that have no understanding of differences. I, too, know the feeling, in a lesser sense than what you must overcome. But, I hope you know that you are doing a wonderful job of informing people, helping them to understand, bringing a little bit of confidence to those of us thrown into these situations. Whatever your reasons for blogging, your work has become a place for me to find some support, some peace, and a sense of belonging for myself and my son. And all those that come to read without autistic children, well, they are becoming informed and will be more accepting after hearing your trials. Thank you sincerely for this wonderful place where you bring to light an understanding for autism, and how it affects us all.

CrazyCath said...

I am just catching up. I can't get past someone going to the toilet and not coming back.

CrazyCath said...

Well deserved awards and passed to deserving blogs. You write a powerful and moving blog.

Patty O. said...

I just cried reading this post. It is appalling that people would treat another human being that way, but sadly it doesn't surprise me. It is horrifying. And so sad that it is not just strangers who are treating C badly. It is sad to know that some of your friends and family are missing out on both your lives because of their own fears. My son has SPD and for a while we thought he might also have autism. Luckily, my family was nothing but supportive (though my brother seemed a bit judgemental--you know what I mean...) but we still heard comments from friends and strangers. It just made me so mad, but sad as well. People just don't know what they are missing when they dismiss someone out of hand because of a disability. Well, I am babbling. Sorry. I am sorry you and C have had to deal with such insensitivity. Your son sounds truly amazing, as do you.

Alison said...

It makes me sad to read how cruel people can be to those who are different. When I was little I always had lots of questions when I saw someone different. So many times I've wished that I'd been given information instead of being told not to stare and not to ask questions. It made me scared of those with disabilities because I wasn't sure how I was supposed to react. I want to feel compassion when I see someone struggling, not fear or pity.

Cat said...

I just had to come back and read some more of your blog. You are an insperational woman. You write with such beauty and care. I think C is so lucky to have such a wonderful caring mother as you. You have both been blessed with one another. I think God most definately bestows us with precious cargo that we must take care of and love. You were meant to spread the word and help so many people. The love you have for your child would put most parents in this world to shame.

Our daughter was stillborn eight years ago at 38 weeks and I thought that I would never get over it. But I know god wanted us to do more with our tragedy and we have. We have spread the word just like you. We have a charity in England that provides support packs to bereaved parents.

I am not a bible basher at all but I do believe in my heart that we have a purpose on this earth and most people don't know what theirs is. I feel fortunate that I do.

Hugs to you and C.

Catherine