Monday, 29 October 2007

A long day


I take C back to school today, I have blogged about this before so I am just going to repost.


I do have a new book to read on the train which I am looking forward to it is by a local author and blogger Anne Brooke. I’m hoping it will keep me awake!! Thank you Anne.



Empty.

It will be a long day. A 9 hour round trip. 6 trains, 3 taxi's. It’s a draining day, leaving my son in the hands of others. But I console myself in the knowledge they can give him more than I can on my own. The local services are not equip for him.

My house is quiet and still. I feel empty and bereft. It takes about a week to get ‘used’ to the empty feeling, but it never goes away. There is a hole in my heart.I used to cry for days after leaving him. Now the tears don’t come but they are still there.Tomorrow I will change his empty bed. Tomorrow I will paint the smile back on my face. Tonight I am going to have some wine and sleep.

43 comments:

Anne Brooke said...

Good grief - what a journey! My sympathies are hugely with you. And I would have thought you'd be better off if the books send you to sleep. Heck, you need all the rest you can get!

Hugs

A
xxx

Casdok said...

Trouble is i might wake up in Scotland!!

DJ Kirkby said...

Ah, hope you start to believe your own smile soon.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

Get that well earned sleep out of the way, and then start counting down the weeks till he is next home. (the way this year is flying, next thing you know, you are doing that train journey again)

Suffolkmum said...

It sounds like a hell of a journey. Good luck with it all.

Shrink Wrapped Scream said...

Oh sweetie, that is a nightmare of a journey, I hope it all goes smoothly for you both. These are the added invisible obsticales that parents of kids like C have to deal with all the time. I'll be thinking of you.

Rae said...

My thoughts are with you. I have no way to relate to your struggle, but I can relate to struggle. Bless you.

Jen said...

I'm so sorry- I feel the same way every time my son leaves to go back to his "home". No matter how much you know that you're doing the right thing for him, it never, ever stops hurting. Of course you go on with life, but it never stops.

I hope that your book made the journey easier...thank God for books!

Hang in there.

buffalodickdy said...

Don't feel the least bit guilty about a little something for yourself and some well earned sleep- you've certainly earned it...

Elissa said...

Big hugs for you, Casdok. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone since you went to pick him up!!

Know that you are a wonderful mum and that grief is a normal part of letting go (not that it makes it any easier).

LOL xx

BBC said...

Be careful out there, have a safe trip and don't make any wrong turns.

Sleep well with sweet dreams.

Exmoorjane said...

Can so imagine how bereft an empty house seems.... My heart breaks when James is away for one night... Be gentle on yourself, Casdok - hope you had restful sleep with sweet dreams and that you don't need to paint on the smile, but it comes naturally, all of its own accord.
jxxxxx

Phil Plasma said...

I have two children, g is five and c is two, I am a long way's away from feeling any empty nest symptoms.

With so much active involvement and emotional investment into C, it is no surprise that his departure is difficult.

Thanks for blogging about him and you and him, it does help me to think differently about autism.

Suzy said...

Take solace in the fact that you both had good time together- Disney on Ice, escelators, etc.

You are a great mom with a great kid.

Treat yourself well. You deserve only the best.
Love.
Suzy

Marla Fauchier Baltes said...

I can only imagine how hard that transition would be for both of you. Sleep well! I am sure you really need a good long sleep.

Frances said...

It is a long journey, but good that you have been able to discover a school that can be helpful to C and to you.

Maybe you can sleep late tomorrow?

xo

Sara said...

Oh dear! What a hard hard thing...*gentle hugs*

Gary said...

You're a good person and a good mom. Love is deeply connected with loss.

In the end I need to find comfort in myself alone...but that doesn't take away my need to love and be loved.

Not that you asked for my opinion...

Nancy said...

I hope you and C have a safe trip back.

And the wine and a smile? Perfect.

Cheri said...

It is so hard to let your kids go. For a while my daughter lived on her own with her friends, and I didn't see much of her. It is like having your heart ripped out of your chest and stored in a freezer. She's back now, but she is in the process of courtship with a guy she really likes. I can't imagine how I will feel if she decides to move away.

It is hard, to suffer these growing pains!

FXSmom said...

I know that someday I'll be in those same shoes. My prayers go with you.

Crystal Jigsaw said...

You deserve to pamper yourself now. Ring me if you feel in need of a natter.

Crystal xx

vic said...

A long journey for you. It will soon be Christmas holidays though! I'm counting already!!

Little Wing said...

Bless you, and bless C......
Please don't feel empty and bereft, he will be back.
I know he is your heart.
You are such a beautiful person, and a awesome mother.

Ian Lidster said...

Just be kind to yourself. You so deserve it.

abstractjenn said...

Thanking of you Casdok during this time. Just know that C enjoyed his time at home, I'm sure of it!

Sleep well.

QUASAR9 said...

lol Casdok,
does the peace & quiet feel strange?
Enjoy the well earned rest, feet up, nothing to worry about, let the wine trickle slowly, and the mind enjoy the flow

Casdok said...

Yes does feel strange.
The wine is already trickling - hic!

Kelly, Brooklyns mommy said...

I just wanted you to know that I am thinking about you durning this hard evening!

Chris H said...

I hope the trip back to school goes well for both of you. Enjoy the wine and sleep, you will no doubt need it!

misha_k said...

Blessings to you and C. Just in the short time I've been reading your blog I can see you're such a wonderful mom and C is a wonderful young man. I know you'll miss him but remember he'll he home again soon. Take some time to yourself and then begin counting down the days to when you'll see him again. That day will be here before you know it.

Ivy said...

When my son was at boarding school I always felt so empty when he left. At first I had to fight back tears at the airport but gradually got used to it. I knew it was just for a year and that he'd be fine and I could talk to him on the phone. So how much more intense must be your sense of loss.

Randy said...

Good God, I hate those long drives taking my kids back to their school. I'm sending whatever positive energy I have your way. All the best!

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

What a journey.... may you find comfort and solace, if only for a little while, in your book.

Pixie said...

oh Hon, what a tough evening to have to go through.
The empty nest stuff is just so difficult.
Just try and be kind to yourself the rest of the week till the pain receeds. till of course next time!!
pxx

Top cat said...

oh wow! that's a heartwrenching and touching post.
Hug
tc

MY OWN WOMAN said...

You have taught me so much.

Dr. Deb said...

It's so hard to do these things. But you rock!

Eileen said...

It sounds like a very tough ride! Take time to be good to yourself, and take comfort in knowing that you and C had some wonderful times together and will continue to do so because that is the kind of mom you are. You are really amazing, so sleep well and know you are never alone.
XOXO

Niksmom said...

Casdok, by now C is back at school and you have had your wine and, I hope, some much needed rest?

This post made me so sad. I cannot imagine the letting go you have had to do with C. My heart quakes at the thought of ever doing the same with Nik. The love runs so deep for both of us with our children.

You and C are so blessed to have each other. Thank you for sharing glimpses of your life with us.

whimsicalnbrainpan said...

(((((HUGS)))))

Shari said...

That must be so hard, but you know he's in good hands. I hope you have a safe trip there and back.

I'll be thinking of you and hoping that it gets easier every time. If that's possible.

But Why? said...

Have a massive, geeky hug from me. Having read this, I might not whinge today about my dull, uneventful and relatively short daily commute. I Hope the wine did the trick! xx