Monday, 15 October 2007

Google your name!

Ian suggested googling your name, so I did and found this!!


If Shrek's Mom Had Only Been Sterile~By John Jenkins
To the tune of The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald


The stories live on from Pinocchio on down,
But it's not a good message they're sending.
They delude our youth with what can't be the truth
‘Cause they all have contrived, happy endings.
To undo the harm of false fairy tale charm,
All their plots should have drastic corrections.
So I liked the jihad of that zealot Farquaad,
With his plan for their heroes' collection.

I would have known rapture once he got them captured
And began to rewrite their conclusions.
Then once he refined those Pollyanna plotlines
Our kids would stop believing illusions.
The old woman who tried to live in a shoe
Should be moved to the Duloc self-storage.
And then, Goldilocks should be locked in a box
And be forced to eat cold and hot porridge.

For sparing a child, but killing a boar in the wild,
PETA should sue Snow White's woodsman bumpkin.
And in Farquaad's scheme, instead of a pampered queen,

Cinderella would become a pumpkin!

The princess who slept on a pea now should be kept

At a clinic for sleeping disorders.
And six dwarfs would find their jobs had been reassigned
And outsourced across our southern border.

The next time Jack's seen, he won't trade his cow for beans,

He'll sell it for his cocaine addiction.
And Red Riding Hood didn't do quite what she should
So Granny will put her on restriction.
And then Miss Muffett should get up off her tuffet
And do Hollywood with Little Boy Blue.
How long will she last when a director casts
Her in “Arachnophobia Part Two”?

If kids were able to learn these improved fables,

Their perceptions of life would be keener.
But this vision flopped; it was brutally stopped
By an oversized green intervener!
An ogre named Shrek freed these creatures and wrecked
All my hopes for fairy tale revision.
And it drives me mad knowing the plan Farquaad had
Would have worked if Shrek's mom had been barren.


Can anyone say what's in the DNA
That explodes out of an ogre's barrel?
It can't be good seed, so we shouldn't let them breed,
Oh, if Shrek's mom had only been sterile!
Where humility and brains are meant to be
Shrek's gene pool has only two big voids.
Is he the offspring of two ugly swamp things
Or a Grinch action figure on steroids?

Since it can't be known what's in the chromosomes,

That might come out of an ogre's barrel
And since Shrek got wed to that funny redhead,
I now hope that Fiona is sterile.
The stories live on from Pinocchio on down,

And my tolerance is growing punier.

But it could be worse (this song might need one more verse),

If Fiona gave birth to Shrek Junior!



Quite clever isn’t it! There are others at…

24 comments:

QUASAR9 said...

lol Casdok,
fairy tales and war films may have happy endings - for those who do not get killed in the first five minutes, or for those who survive to the end ...
of course we soon forget all the carnage in between

QUASAR9 said...

I often wonder how much of East Enders or Corrie or Hollyoaks is based on real life, and how much is make believe ... you know feel good factor, to let the viewer know things ain't that bad, after all they could be worse.

What's that thing called with women's sizes in high street shops, you know where they call a size 10 a size 8, and a size 8 the size 6, (vanity feel good?) so women feel slimmer and keep coming back to the store, because they fit into smaller sizes

I hear some stores even have mirrors which make one appear slimmer. We really do live in la la land, the land of make belief

But hey life may not be a fairy tale, but people do fill their lifes with little white lies, and some times really tall tales.

Vi vi vi vooom!!!!!!!! said...

WELL he obviously wrote this before the latest Shrek movie, otherwise he would have known Shrek is now a daddy! lol

And yeah, agree with Crystal, green text hurts the eyes!

Suffolkmum said...

That was clever. I couldn't think what you meant at first when you'd said you'd googled your name and found that!

captain corky said...

Very cool! I apparently don't exist, but Captain Corky does. ;)

BBC said...

One advantage to your living on the other side of the planet is that when I get up early in the morning you already have a new post up for me to read. LOL

Yes, I have Googled my name, what it finds changes over time though. It used to find mention of my name in public meetings and things I said there. Or the fact that I was a member of the business association. These days it mostly just mentions my blog.

And being as the Internet is still pretty young it doesn't have much history on ones life past the last ten or so years.

It looks like it will be a decent day here, maybe a little rain but it brings new life. I was able to work on the camp trailer some yesterday, and went out on the spit for a while.

Have a great day, hugs

buffalodickdy said...

A guy named Weird Al Yankovic used to make a living doing stuff like that! Google that name sometime...

Christy said...

Wow, the things one finds while googling never cease to amaze me.

Maddy said...

Eek! I will be sure NOT to google my name. I did it once a couple of years ago when my brother told me about it - very scary.
Best wishes

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

That is hilarious. Someone either is very clever and/or has too much time on his hands.

Pixie said...

uuummm that's my ex father in law's name.... and he was a journalist.... spooky!
pxx

lampworkbeader said...

Very clever but it makes me feel a bit uncertain...Am I being over sensitive to the meaning?

Lady in red said...

funnily enough when I google my name it comes up with a well known song.
whereas if I google my real name I find I am a much younger actress working in europe

Little Wing said...

Not sure my comment went through, Grrrrrrrrr!

dgibbs said...

I for one am glad that Shrek's Mom wasn't barren, same for C's Mom ;)

Casdok said...

Thank you! x Me too, on both accounts!

Paul F. said...

My name is mentioned in my father's online obituary.

Ian Lidster said...

I take full blame for encouraging the Googling of one's name. See what happens?
Kind of an amazing bit of verse, though.
I like you and your attitude, and I know that's what carries you through.

ORION said...

I google my name all the time - that's how I found LOTTERY on one blog and then found you!!
(Lottery comes out in the UK Jan '08!!!)
The shrek song was HILARIOUS...

BRUNO said...

That was so damned cute!

Now, if I can only get that mono-tone song outta my head again...!

Angela said...

My husband and I like to figure out which issues cartoon characters have
example - Rabbit off of winny the pooh has OCD

Marla Fauchier Baltes said...

Cute.

TheBirdman33 said...

I've googled my name and never got anything that cool back ! lol

DJ Kirkby said...

Lol, trust you to find this! When I google my real life name only boring stuff comes up like my academic work. Maybe I should google my blog name!