Monday, 24 September 2007

Happy Birthday Gorgeous!

Cant believe C is 19. Where have all those years gone? I don’t feel old enough to have a 19 year old!!

Its very hard to know what to give autistic children for their birthday, unless they have a passion or an obsession with something and C has neither.
So as I make rugs, I have made a couple for him. One for his room at school and one for home. They make great protective wall coverings for head bangers!

In these last 19 years C has taught me so much and I hope through this blog we are giving people a better understanding and tolerance of autism. I certainly have had a lovely response from people here and I thank you all.

I miss him so much and especially on his birthday. He doesn’t have a concept of birthday so I haven’t gone to visit him as he would be too confused (he would think I am there to take him home) and obviously I don’t want to upset him. I will speak to him later on the phone hopefully!
Here is a poem I wrote some years ago, but it still stands.

Missing you.

I miss your smiley face
I miss your squeaky sounds
I miss your cheeky grin
And I miss the way you bound.

I miss the extra washing
I miss the way you hit your head
I miss the sticky finger prints
And the way you bounce on my bed.

I miss the way you ignore me
I miss your anxious cry
I miss your flapping arms
And the way you make objects fly.

I miss people staring in the street
I miss my early morning alarms
I miss the stripping of your clothes
And those precious moments of calm.

I miss you not letting me use the phone
I miss the melt downs when people come to the door
I miss how you look in my eyes
And the way most things you ignore.

I miss you watching your DVDs
I miss clearing up the poo
I miss your tapping sticks
But most of all gorgeous, i miss you.


Anonymous said...

Casdok, that has made me feel very emotional. A truly beautiful poem of which a part of C will understand one day. I do feel for you not having him there today and the fact that he will not become confused should you visit simply choked me.

Today should be your day on Purple Coo. Take care, hon.

Crystal xx

Suffolkmum said...

Really touching post and poem - brought tears to my eyes. I hope C enjoys today, doing whatever makes him happy, whether or not he knows it's his special day.

CAMILLA said...

Hello Casdok, I was quite tearful when I read your Diary. I hope your Son enjoys his day today - his birthday, even though he may not remember what a very special day it is for him.

A truly beautiful Poem Casdok, thank you for sharing it with us.


Exmoorjane said...

yes, indeed, a very very moving blog....and a heart-rending poem. I am learning a lot about autism from you.. That rug is just beautiful. jxx

Elizabethd said...

A very touching blog, Casdok. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly.

Milkmaid said...

Your blog is truly lovely and a great insight in how any mother feels, not just one of an autistic child, your situation is just more intense
remember today the joy you felt 19 years ago when you had a son - so special

Casdok said...

Thank you milkmaid.
And oh yes i do rememeber 19 years ago today! Its not something us mums forget!
The miracle of child birth. I am still in awe of him today.

Kitty said...

I have just caught up on your blog - really moving and beautiful. Lovely poem for today. Happy Birthday to C. x

Cait O'Connor said...

Your poem is a moving one for any mother to read and is even more heartfelt for you today on your special son's birthday.
The rug is beautiful.

Pipany said...

Hello Casdok. This is the first time I have caught your blog and I have to say I think I've been missing something a bit special; it is beautiful, thought-provoking and honest. I am learning so much about so many things from this wonderful site and will be thinking of you on this special day. xx

Billy Boy said...

Always said you where good with your poems.....

Unknown said...

Wonderful day and as I write this the sun has burst through hope it does for you both today! Happy birthday C!!!

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday to C! <:D <-- party hat smiley

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, C.

What a loving poem - I liked it very much. It's outstanding how you show your love to your son "in whole" as he is - wanting him nothing else than he is.

Un Peu Loufoque said...

What a great present is that beautiful rug, how did you make it?

Wade said...

Happy Birthday C!

Suzy said...

Happy Birthday C-

Lovely poem, says it all.


Pondside said...

Gorgeous rug! Happy B-day to your son!

Christine said...

Oh, how lovely. Thank you so much for the comment you left on my blog because it led me here. Your poem is beautiful and meaningful. Thank you for sharing it.


Sunshine said...

Lovely poem! And Happy Birthday to the birthday boy!

You're so right about autistic birthdays! My autistic brother (he's 20 now) has been on a Godzilla kick since he was about 9, so I usually send him Godzilla toys or movies if I can find them. It was helpful when he got stuck on that, so I knew what to get him!

Westerwitch/Headmistress said...

Oh Casdok . . .Gorgeous rug, gorgeous poem, gorgeous you and a virtual birthday hug to both you and C.

Casdok said...


Cheri said...

Happy birthday C!

I love reading about parents who love their autistic kids! I love Zach not just for his sweetness, but for his tantrums as well. They are a part of what makes him the complex human he is.

And none of us is old enough to have a 19 year old. Zach will be 20 in November. He's already planning his 21st.

Sarah said...

What a beautiful poem. Happy Birthday to him.

Jade said...

I know C doesn't get the concept of "Happy Birthday" but you do, and you were just as much of a part of his birth as he was, so to you I say HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
I can only imagine how bitter sweet this day is for you, so I hope you take some time out to do something kind for yourself today.
Hope C likes his rug :-)

dgibbs said...

What are wonderful Mum you are! Happy birthday C!

Anonymous said...

A lovely poem, it says everything.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think I am so alone but when I read blogs like yours I feel so much better... oh how much I understand you, you just another Mother Angel!!! x

Sharon McDaid said...

Happy Birthday to C.

Love the beautiful rug.

DJ Kirkby said...

Ahhhh I feel so sad for you! Happy birthday to C though... Your rug for him is stunningly beautiful.

Liv said...

Oh, it's hard, but you sound like you are doing this with such grace. Some days are easier than others for me. D is just figuring out what birthdays mean and some social significance of holidays. I still struggle with not getting the full, warm hug that I'd love from my son, but we're working towards that. Blessings to you, and your precious boy. (And no, darling, you do not look old enough to have a 19 year old!)

Nancy said...

Happy Birthday to your precious son C.

I just recently started reading your blog, but I had to go back to your fist post and read each one.

Your poem is of a beautiful love for your son.

whimsical brainpan said...

Happy Birthday to C!

What a lovely poem. :-)

cher said...

wow, thanks for stopping by my blog. I have to admit that I was wowed when I came to your blog and found out you have a 19 year old! I was also taken a bit a back when seeing the word autism. My son Crofton has Autism too. This poem hit home. thatnk you for sharing that with people.
cher ;)

cher said...

You don't look old enough to have a 19 year old!
thanks for stopping by my blog, your comment made me laugh.

I was taken aback when i came by your blog and saw the word Autism. My son has Autism too. Funny who blogger seems to bring together.

Thank you for sharing your poem. It helped me to remember to appreciate things I could miss.)

Anonymous said...

A beautiful rug and an even more beautiful poem - both to be treasured as is your beautiful boy.
Happy birthday C!

LAA and Family said...

Great gift! What a moving poem! I can relate to so much of it too.

A Bear in the Woods said...

I'm not very good at remembering birthdays either. I kind of shoot for the month, because, if I wait until the day, it's gone, flown from my grasp like a little bird.
Sad day for Mum, though.
C is a lucky, lucky lad to have you in his life.

Casdok said...

Thank you but i am lucky to have him.

Suzanne said...